11 octombrie 2016

Long time no blog... on depression

I've been depressed and on medication almost two years ago, for a long period of time.
I see now that I haven't posted in over two years.


I am sure however, that everyone is glad I didn't post.
Because no one really wants to know about depressed people. They make us feel uncomfortable, don't they?
Because we tell them "everything will be fine, relax" or "just smile, be happy" or "you have no reason to be depressed" as if one chooses to fall down in the pitch dark hole of depression, where you can hardly see light, where hope does not exist and where you can easily lose your life because you know you are worthless. Because you think you know.
But the truth is you don't know anything for certain and the thoughts in your head have power over you, you're squashed down by lack of focus, loss of all appetite, mood swings although mostly dark ones, and many many dark thoughts that are too scary to share them with anyone. You want to equally be hugged and held and in the same time you want to be alone, isolated, because no one can comfort your soul, no one can quiet your mind. The good moments are so rare if any, that you tend to forget any life outside of this pitch dark hole exists anymore.

And no one will listen or understand.
Everyone will try and help but fail.

So you feel more guilt. More resentment towards yourself.
And you close in deeper, and you lose your friends. And your family.
And then if you are lucky enough you don't lose yourself, and you might accept help, because it's the only thing that's there. And you might get medication, and that's fine, take it slow. And you might have better days. And darker ones will still be around the corner. And you might get angry and shout, and have tremendous headaches... and other horrible side effects from the meds. And you are hopeless. And you cry like a baby when you are alone. And you are always alone. And you might want to die. And some might die. And it's not a conscious choice. When dealing with depression.

But the stigma... the calling out... the shame!!! "COWARD!" "Idiots!"

We all long for connection and understanding. Our bodies do not always listen to use. Depression is a real disease and it's super hard to understand if you haven't been through it... the only thing you can do is not give up. and try and try again and it's an ongoing battle. And getting off meds can be even harder.

So please. Reach out for your friend in need. Share your fears if you are suffering from it. It's hard to go through it, alone or otherwise. But if you have support it's slightly easier. Chances of committing suicide are smaller when you have strong support... that's what I guess I mean by slightly easier.

There is no ONE treatment for depression. But a cumulus of activities one should do, most of them social, and a good diet is important, sun and exercise, meds if needed.

I know it's hard but you can fight this battle, even if it seems it's you you're fighting.

What the F*(#& did I just type.

I honestly did not mean to talk about this. No one wants to hear it anyway.