10 ianuarie 2018

5 tipuri de Dragoste - 5 types of love (biling)

----scroll down for english----

5 tipuri de dragoste

Sau 5 feluri de a iubi






Am fost întrebată de multe ori ce cred despre dragoste, 
m-am întrebat și eu pe mine de multe ori. La asta am ajuns momentan.

Acest articol prevede o simplă părere personală, nu fapt dovedit, nici adevărul absolut. Cu siguranță sunt valide și alte păreri, însă aici voi exprima ce am constatat eu, din propria mea experiență.

În ultimii ani m-am gândit mult la dragoste și relații. M-am gândit și la poliamorie… sună tentant, fiindcă în mod natural ne dorim să iubim și să fim iubiți… de ce ne-am limita la un partener? Considerăm că suntem o sursă finită de dragoste? Sau fiindcă ne oferă stabilitate, confort și siguranță... Sau suntem monogami fiind îndoctrinați de mici într-o cultură și societate monogamă, care are la bază sclavismul și putere economică (dar despre căsătorie voi scrie poate cu alta ocazie, sunt multe de spus). Cu siguranță putem iubi mai mult decât o persoana odată, însă poate alegem să investim timpul limitat pe care îl avem unei singure persoane*. Indiferent de ce tipuri de relații vrem sa avem, posibil să experimentați mai multe tipuri de dragoste.

Eu am identificat DRAGOSTEA ca fiind de cel puțin cinci  feluri diferite::

1. Dragostea ca și SENTIMENT

Putem simți dragostea ca sentiment față de o persoană, umană sau non-umană, (unii  au sentimente de dragoste inclusiv față de obiecte inerte), sau chiar față de mai multe persoane odată. Este un sentiment - și, precum toate sentimentele pe care le putem simți (ură, furie, pace, gelozie, frică, amuzament, panică, încântare etc) și acest sentiment este temporar - activat de regulă de emoții. Se poate să iubești pe cineva în acest moment, dar peste zece minute să simți alte sentimente. Acest tip de dragoste nu se rezumă la relații strict intime; poți simți acest sentiment de dragoste pentru oricine - rude, prieteni, prieteni non-umani etc.

2. Dragostea ca și dorință fizică


Aici discutăm despre lucruri în mare parte instinctive, când simți o atracție puternică față de o altă persoană - încât crește în tine în mod natural o dorință de a fi aproape de această persoană. Este probabil redată de feromoni și diverse reacții chimice în organism. Este o dorință carnală și poate semnifica compatibilitate fizică. Unii consideră acest tip de dragoste ca fiind singurul tip de dragoste - și din acest motiv spun unii că dragostea moarte după aproximativ 2 ani - acesta fiind timpul estimat în care poate fi întreținut acest tip de dragoste.


3. Dragostea romantică - CONCEPTUL

Acest tip de dragoste este cel pe care multă lume îl consideră ca fiind singurul tip de dragoste (dragostea la prima vedere pică în această categorie) - este dragostea prezentată în filmele ireal de romantice, prezentată în poezii și muzică. Este așa de des întâlnită dragostea asta ideală pentru care poți muri, încât uneori avem impresia ca e singurul tip de dragoste valid.
Acest tip de dragoste a apărut abia prin timpurile medievale, probabil când nobilii cu prea mult timp liber s-au apucat de cântat serenade și scris poezii. Poate fi frumos să idealizam ceva mai mare decât noi înșine, însă acest tip de dragoste este unul dintre cele mai nocive feluri de a iubi. Cel care iubește strict în acest mod, nu va fi capabil să observe și să vadă persoana de care s-a îndrăgostit,. Idealul lor este pus pe un piedestal și idolatrizat în așa fel încât este foarte posibil ca persoana idolatrizată să nu reușească vreodată să se ridice la așteptările celui îndrăgostit. Acest tip de dragoste depinde de foarte multă imaginație și dorințe, și mai puțin de realitate sau rațiune.

4. Dragostea ca și DECIZIE

Una dintre cele mai solide forme de dragoste este când iei decizia de a iubi - când cunoști pe cineva suficient de bine încât poți fi sigur, conștient și rațional, că îți dorești să petreceți cât mai mult timp posibil împreună. Rațional și conștient (sau inconștient) iei decizia de a face lucrurile să funcționeze în această relație. Contrar romanticismului idealist, acest tip de dragoste ia în considerare toate aspectele relaționare dintre două sau mai multe persoane, nu doar de dragul de a te afla într-o relație, dar fiindcă este ceva ce are sens rațional (de regulă e reciproc, dar ocazional se poate ajunge la acest tip de dragoste și când o singură persoană dezvoltă tipul trei de dragoste prea profund - ajuns aici pe cont propriu vei constata că e un drum sigur către multă durere și dezamăgire). Acest tip de dragoste este baza dragostei necondiționate dar și unul dintre tipurile cele mai importante pentru relațiile de lungă durată.

5. Dragostea NECONDIȚIONATĂ

Pentru mine, dragostea necondiționată, e acea dragoste pe care o simți față de cineva care e parte din viața ta, la bine și la greu - fie părinții, prieteni apropiați, copii - în general oameni pe care îi cunoști cu bune și rele și îi accepți așa cum sunt. E o dragoste pe care o simți indiferent de comportamentul celuilalt. Această dragoste este prezentă și când dragostea ca sentiment nu este prezentă. Aș crede că dragostea necondiționată face abstracție de sentimente - e o dorință permanentă de a proteja și iubi pe cel de lângă tine, indiferent de natura relației.

Aceste tipuri de dragoste se pot completa între ele. Ideal pentru ca o relație romantică să funcționeze bine este să existe cel puțin trei tipuri de dragoste, dacă nu chiar toate.

La modul general dragostea poate fi o preferință personală conștientă sau inconștientă. Nevoia de dragoste o simțim cu toții - există varii feluri de a exprima dragoste (caută cele 5 limbaje ale dragostei). Și există și feluri diferite de atașament (4 cunoscute). Cu toate că simțim cu toții nevoia de dragoste, avem o preferință anume pentru una sau mai multe persoane pe care să o iubim sau care să ne iubească.

Tu ce parere ai despre dragoste? 
Ai include și alte categorii?
M-aș bucura să aud alte păreri și experiențe.





* Nu învățăm de mici să ne vedem propria valoare, cred că din acest motiv mulți oameni nu se simt valoroși dacă nu sunt iubiți. Nu știm să ne apreciem singuri și suntem flămânzi după dragoste și apreciere, iar din felul în care societatea a construit imaginea Dragostei, avem impresia că există un singur tip de dragoste, unul absolut care trebuie să îl primim de la și să îl dăm unei singure persoane - orice altceva ne încalcă valorile morale - de aici se naște și gelozia, care mulți considera că e dovadă de dragoste, când de fapt este o expresie disperată a lipsei dragostei pentru sine. La fel este și cu posesivitatea. Dacă nu ne iubim pe noi înșine, considerăm că nimeni nu ne poate iubi, și atunci căutăm să controlăm oamenii din viața noastră, să îi obligăm cumva să ne aparțină. Dacă ne-am iubi pe noi înșine, am accepta dragostea pe care o primim așa cum vine, nu am mai forța-o sau condiționa-o. Nu ne-am mai simți mereu amenințați. Să ne investim într-o singură persoană nu înseamnă neapărat să îi dăm putere absolută asupra vieții noastre, devenind dependenți de el/ea, dar nici să îl/o ținem responsabil/ă pentru tot ce se întâmplă în viața noastră (și vice versa).




----scroll în sus pentru limba română----

5 types of love

five ways to loving








I have been asked by many about love, and I have even asked myself about it.
This is what I came up with.

This article is only a personal opinion, not a fact, nor an ultimate truth. With certainty there are other valid opinions on this subject - I am merely expressing my personal impressions based on my experience.


Over the last few years I have been thinking a lot about love and relationships. Thought about polyamory too… it seems tempting, because we naturally want to love and feel loved… so why would we limit ourselves to one partner? Do we consider ourselves a finite source of love? Or is it because, even though we have limitless love to give, we get comfort, stability and safety in one partner.... Or are we monogamous because we have been led to believe so by our monogamous society and culture, which has its basis in slavery and economical power (about marriage another time, there is plenty to say about that institution). With certainty one can love more than one other person, but perhaps we decide to invest our limited time to a single person*. Regardless of the types of relationships we want to have, it’s possible that we have encountered more types of love.


I have experienced love in at least 5 different ways:


1. Love as a FEELING

We can feel love towards any person, human or non-human (some even have feelings towards objects), or even towards more than one person at a time. It’s a feeling, and as all feelings which we can feel (hate, anger, peace, jealousy, fear, amusement, joy, surprise etc) are temporary, so is this one. It’s generated by emotions we feel, emotions generate our feelings. You can love someone in this moment, but ten minutes from now you might experience other feelings. 
This type of love is not specific to intimate relationships; one can feel this type of love towards anyone - relatives, friend, non-human friends etc

2. Lust

Lust is mostly instinctive - it’s that strong attraction we might feel towards someone that you would naturally want to be close to this person. It’s possible due to pheromones and other chemical reactions in our bodies. It’s a desire which could mean physical compatibility. Some might think of this type of love as the only type of love and this is why some say that love only lasts 2 years - this being the approximate time in which this type of love can be maintained.

3. The concept of love: romanticism

This ideal type of love which one could die for is so often encountered in movies, poetry, theatre and music, that we sometimes get the impression that it’s the only valid type of love. Love at first sight also falls into this category. This type of love appeared around medieval times, when noble men had enough spare time that they started writing poetry and singing serenades. It can be of real beauty to have an ideal that is higher than the self, but this type of love is one of the most harmful types of love. Someone who loves strictly according to this type of love will not be capable to observe and see the actual person they have fallen in love with. Their ideal is put on a pedestal and idolized in such ways that the receiver might not be ever able to rise up to the expectations of the one loving this way. This type of love is highly dependable on imagination and wishes, less on reality and reason.

4. Love: the decision

One of the strongest forms of love is when it comes as a decision to love someone - when you know someone well enough that you can be certain, aware and rational about you wanting to spend as much time as possible together with this person. Rationally and aware (bust sometimes also unconscious) you decide to make things work for this relationship. Contrary to romanticism, de decision takes into consideration all facts that affect the relationship between one or more persons, and it’s not doing it for the sake of being in a relationship, but because it makes rational sense to do so (usually this type of love is mutual, but sometimes one person can get to this type of love alone, if they get to a deep level of the third type of love - being in this type alone one will realise it’s a certain path to pain and suffering). This type is the basis of unconditional love, but also one of the most important types of love for healthy and long relationships.

5. Unconditional love


For myself, unconditional love is that kind of love you feel for someone who takes up a part of your life, for good or for worse - be they parents, close friends, your children - generally it’s for the people that you know well, with good or bad, and you acceptem them as they are. It’s a love unconditioned of their behaviour. This type of love is present even then love as a feeling is not present (and even if hate as a feeling might be). I am therefore inclined to think that unconditional love is present despite feelings - it’s a permanent wish to protect and love the person next to you, regardless of the nature of the relationship.

These types of love can be interlaced. For a romantic relationship to work well there have to be at least three of the types involved, if not all.
Generally speaking, love can be a conscious or unconscious personal preference. The need to feel love and loved is experienced by everybody - and there are different ways of expressing love too (check the 5 love languages). There are also different kinds of attachment (4known). And even if we all feel the need to be loved and love, we will always have a personal preference for one or more persons to love us and whom to love.


What do you think of love? 
Would you include any other types?
I would gladly listen to other opinions and experiences.



* We don’t learn since early childhood that we are valuable, and perhaps this is the reason why people feel worthless when they are not loved. We can’t appreciate ourselves and we are hungry for love and validation. Due to how society had built this image of LOVE, we get sometimes the impression that there is only one type of love, an absolute out which we have to receive from one and one person only - anything else is against our moral viewpoint - here is where our jealousy is born too, and many believe jealousy to be a true proof of ones love, when in fact it’s a desperate expression of lacking love for oneself. Same with possessiveness. If we don’t love ourselves, we might consider that no one ever can, so we tend to control the people in our lives, to force them to belong to us. If we would love ourselves, we would be able to accept love as it comes, we wouldn’t force it or condition it. We wouldn’t feel so threatened. To invest ourselves in a single person does not necessarily mean we have to give them absolute power over our lives, becoming dependent on them, and also we don’t have to hold them responsible to everything that is happening in our lives (or the other way around).




23 noiembrie 2017

Perfect Nights vs Purrfect Nights

Life get's busy and blogging is not the most gratifying way of spending your time. 
Especially when your friends can follow what you have been up to on Facebook or Instagram.

So what about pictures? Pictures shared on Facebook seem to me 
to be even less gratifying than blogging. I wanted to share my sky with the internet.




Some nights are just perfect. Other nights are purrfect. I miss the little wolfcat (fostered a Lykoi kitten this summer and he was so good to me. He soothed my soul for a tiny little while).




Be grateful for every peaceful night you get. 
Don't despair.
Breathe in.
The Stars.
Small
Are
We
.

11 octombrie 2016

Long time no blog... on depression

I've been depressed and on medication almost two years ago, for a long period of time.
I see now that I haven't posted in over two years.

Wow.

I am sure however, that everyone is glad I didn't post.
Because no one really wants to know about depressed people. They make us feel uncomfortable, don't they?
Because we tell them "everything will be fine, relax" or "just smile, be happy" or "you have no reason to be depressed" as if one chooses to fall down in the pitch dark hole of depression, where you can hardly see light, where hope does not exist and where you can easily lose your life because you know you are worthless. Because you think you know.
But the truth is you don't know anything for certain and the thoughts in your head have power over you, you're squashed down by lack of focus, loss of all appetite, mood swings although mostly dark ones, and many many dark thoughts that are too scary to share them with anyone. You want to equally be hugged and held and in the same time you want to be alone, isolated, because no one can comfort your soul, no one can quiet your mind. The good moments are so rare if any, that you tend to forget any life outside of this pitch dark hole exists anymore.

And no one will listen or understand.
Everyone will try and help but fail.


So you feel more guilt. More resentment towards yourself.
And you close in deeper, and you lose your friends. And your family.
And then if you are lucky enough you don't lose yourself, and you might accept help, because it's the only thing that's there. And you might get medication, and that's fine, take it slow. And you might have better days. And darker ones will still be around the corner. And you might get angry and shout, and have tremendous headaches... and other horrible side effects from the meds. And you are hopeless. And you cry like a baby when you are alone. And you are always alone. And you might want to die. And some might die. And it's not a conscious choice. When dealing with depression.

But the stigma... the calling out... the shame!!! "COWARD!" "Idiots!"

We all long for connection and understanding. Our bodies do not always listen to use. Depression is a real disease and it's super hard to understand if you haven't been through it... the only thing you can do is not give up. and try and try again and it's an ongoing battle. And getting off meds can be even harder.

So please. Reach out for your friend in need. Share your fears if you are suffering from it. It's hard to go through it, alone or otherwise. But if you have support it's slightly easier. Chances of committing suicide are smaller when you have strong support... that's what I guess I mean by slightly easier.

There is no ONE treatment for depression. But a cumulus of activities one should do, most of them social, and a good diet is important, sun and exercise, meds if needed.

I know it's hard but you can fight this battle, even if it seems it's you you're fighting.

What the F*(#& did I just type.

I honestly did not mean to talk about this. No one wants to hear it anyway.



25 ianuarie 2014

Window





The first picture was taken in January 2012, during my first day in Dublin, Ireland. It was a picture of a window with a little equestrian sculpture. 


The next few followed in March. But in the beginning I was not really focused so much on the idea of window, but rather on the idea of atmosphere. 



As I was in a new place I was really open to engage visually and see things as they are and how they show themselves. It became more of windows in March as I took some pictures of a place for rent with dry-washed windows.



There is the old saying: "Eyes are the windows to the soul"... And I was wondering, while taking pictures during my stay in Dublin if there is any assosiation with that. If windows, actual windows, might be a "window" for society. What the original saying means  is that if you stare into someone's eyes you can see their  true being.  So what do we see if we look in actual windows? Could we perhaps see the true nature of society in that particular city, town, village? 


I assume you can, there is a lot given away through windows. The way they are taken care of, washed or ignored, decorated or covered. It says something about what is economically and socially going on perhaps.







My fascination I think was quite strong since in Romania we have tall walls, windows are high, then we have apartment blocks with higher windows, and I didn't get in such a close relationship with windows before.

















12 octombrie 2013

Dream of foxes.

I have a fox character in a book that I am trying to write... and illustrate :) so I feel really inspired when I see foxes. Anywhere I see them. I have seen foxes every night when I was out last winter/spring and I see foxes in the shops - not real foxes, but puppets, toys, towels, water bottles, t-shirts, etc.


I wish I would see more foxes in my dream, to inspire me about the book I am working on. Today I got this simple idea, of me riding a fox while sleeping. I made a quick sketch (0.60 m),



then a more elaborate sketch and


 then I drew it and colored it. 



So here is it.


I hope to say the same about my book soon :)

3 octombrie 2013

Life versus Gold

A huge debate is currently taking place. Mostly in Romania, and if you are Romanian, you already know about it. If not, you might have heard about it. There are loads of articles on the subject so I will not go into details. People all around the world want to share this information due to the negative impact the project would have on nature and life.





Shortly, it is about a corporation that wants to exploit a few Romanian mountains and grab the gold from underneath. They argue that the place, called Rosia Montana, has always been a mining area. And it is true. Rosia Montana is well known for the underground tunnels (mine galleries) created by the Romans around 2000 years ago. But what they plan on doing is not just mining. They will strip the mountains bare and "eat up" the rocks with cyanide in order to extract the gold which is dispersed through the mountain rock. Why do people argue that this is bad? Besides the landscape being utterly ruined, there will be no way to prevent the cyanide to spread through the earth, spoiling water, getting people sick, killing any living creature that might inhabit the area. The cyanide "lake" that will be formed after the "extraction" is said to be created of tons of cyanide infected water and to have a diameter of around 8 km.


Protests started on the 1st of September this year. People in Romania and all over the world are protesting against this project taking place, and their arguments are more than valid.


So. The lovely Cluj Comics Club from (obviously) Cluj, Transylvania, Romania, they will publish a magazin with comics on the subject. This will be my contribution.




We all hope they will choose life over gold.



22 iulie 2013

When body and mind suit soul

First of all, would like to apologize to my English blog readers about writing the last post in Romanian only. It was nothing too significant, just a translated article.





Does anyone else feel sometimes that they are far or were far from being themselves? Trying hard to meet other people's expectations (parents, teachers, priests(?), friends) when in fact we neglect our own needs. We all have the same needs. The physiological needs, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and what is called self-actualization. The last one means that we must be the best we can be.


I was wondering and asking myself for long if I am the best I can be. The answer is NO, I am not. But I am becoming better each day and I appreciate having the opportunity of living with a roof above my head, having all my physiological abilities to be able to work and provide for myself.

A recent conversation with a good friend (thank you Nadine for the insights) brought up a question: What would I have needed as a child and growing adolescent to be able to make my time more useful from much earlier on? And the answer was simple and determined: a mentor.


But a mentor who can see your potential and can help you get the most of your own value. Nothing like the teachers we had in school (Sorry, teachers, you know yourselves who are the exceptions) who had an average line and wouldn't help the ones above improve, but drag them down, and would not help the ones below progress and get closer to the line. It would not really work anyway in a large group of people. I think a mentor has to be someone close and personal. Someone you look up to.



I am sad whenever it is proven to me that very few humans have the interest of the last need on scale, self-actualization. "I am what I am, everyone should accept me because I AM" would be the argument I most heard of.
Because, you know, not changing will keep you where you are and if you are unhappy there are high chances people around you will become unhappy if they are not that already. So look in the mirror. ask yourself. Am I the best I can be? I am more happy than unhappy? Can I help people around me be more appreciative about life? Am I sufficient appreciative of my own life?
Look in the mirror. See yourself. Ask yourself are you ok? and if not, turn things around so that you and people in your life can benefit from that. It is a small step but if everyone would take it...


Source for needs clasification, see wikipedia on max-neef and maslow's
Pictures taken around Westport, Co. Mayo, Dublin.